The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda...
..turns out it was just a Fanta-sea.
 
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Another old one:-

While riding his Harley-Davidson motorbike, Dave swerved to avoid hitting a deer, he lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging his head Dazed and confused, he crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road just as a car pulled up with a very beautiful woman driving who stopped to help and asked, "Are you okay?
As he looked up, Dave noticed she was a beautiful blonde and was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for and......well you get the picture.
"I'm okay I think," Dave insisted, as he pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you to my house so I can clean and bandage your wounds."
"That's nice of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more injuries and then treat them properly."
'Well,' thought Dave, she is really pretty and very persuasive.
Being sort of shaken and weak, as us men do get. Dave agreed, but again told her,
"I'm sure my wife won't like this."
Dave climbed into her car next to her, and smelt her sweet perfume and again told her, "I dont think my wife will like me doing this." "Don't worry, I wont eat you," she said.
They soon arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers she washed and bandaging his wounds, Dave thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now, thanks but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't even know, and I wont tell her." Then added "By the way, where is your wife?"
Dave said, "Well, I would imagine she's still in the ditch."
 
A 70 old man goes to confession. He tells the priest that on Friday night, he’d been in the bar when he met a young woman.
“She was only 22,” he says. “A gorgeous blonde. I started lusting for her, Father.”
“Yes, my son” says the Priest, “Lust is a dangerous sin indeed.”
“There’s more, Father” says the man. “We went back to her place and made passionate love all night.”
The priest pauses. “And how long has it been since your last confession?”
“I’ve never been before, Father, this is my first time.”
“How, at your age is this your first confession?” demands the Priest.
“I’m Jewish.” said the man.
“Then… why have you come here telling me all this?” Cried the Priest.
“Why" says the old man, "I’m telling everyone!”
 
A plane with 5 passengers on board - Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, the Pope and a 10-year-old schoolgirl - is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Trump says "I need one. I'm the smartest man in the US and I need to solve the pandemic!" He takes one parachute and jumps.
Johnson says "I need to fix the COVID-19 clutter in Britain." He takes one and jumps.
The Pope says, "The Catholics of the world depend on me for comfort in a time of fear." He takes one and jumps.
“You can have the last parachute," Merkel tells the 10-year-old. "I've lived my life. Yours is just beginning."
The little girl replies, "Don't worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the US just took my school bag."
 
I'm not sure how many times I have to say this analysing jokes or posting them to score political points is not big and its not clever.
Let's just keep it humorous there is enough crap in the world!
I shall continue to delete any I spot!
 
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