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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience then got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience then got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry.
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The following is allegedly an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term though it is in fact a myth.
The answer by one student was so 'profound', that the professor shared
it with his colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we
now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once
a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering
Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world
today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as
souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,'
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and
has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since
Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more
souls and is, therefore, extinct … leaving only Heaven, thereby
proving the existence of a divine being which explains why last night,
Teresa kept shouting 'Oh, my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
chemistry mid-term though it is in fact a myth.
The answer by one student was so 'profound', that the professor shared
it with his colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we
now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once
a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering
Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world
today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as
souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,'
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and
has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since
Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more
souls and is, therefore, extinct … leaving only Heaven, thereby
proving the existence of a divine being which explains why last night,
Teresa kept shouting 'Oh, my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
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Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan And
didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there
Any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week And
I'll light a fertility candle for ye And yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
to blow out yer bloody candle.'
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan And
didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there
Any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week And
I'll light a fertility candle for ye And yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
to blow out yer bloody candle.'
Nod
Tootles
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badlywornroy
I am not macho
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I've just retired from being a cricket umpire.
Now I don't lift a finger.
Now I don't lift a finger.