The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Norkie said:
family fortunes answers

real wrong and funny family fortunes answers

The funniest and best list of Family Fortunes answers. (Contestants from the ITV Family Fortunes game-show are asked to guess the most popular answers to questions posed in a survey.) Family Fortunes is still shown on TV and remains a rich source of hilariously funny answers like these below.

family fortunes answers

A word beginning with Z: "Xylophone.."

A slang word for a girl: "Slag.."

An animal with horns: "A bee..."

A medieval weapon: "Hand-grenade.."

Something made of wool: "A sheep.."

Something a bridegroom might wear: "A dress.."

Someone you wouldn't expect to see in a strip club: "Animals.."

An animal with a long tail: "A rabbit.."

Something a train-spotter would have in his pocket: "A magnifying glass.."

Something you put out for the birds: "Worms.."

A way to prevent snoring: "Put a pillow over his face.."

A word used to describe a very hot day: "A very hot day.."

A song from 'The Sound Of Music': "Dancing Queen.."
(Also from the same family: "I wake up each morning..", "The skies are blue..", and "Over the hills and far away..")

Someone who works early hours: "A burglar.."

Something made to be wheeled around: "A hammer.."

A reason for kneeling: "To be beheaded.."

A nickname for a slim person: "Slimmy.."

A measurement of liquid: "Paint.."
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Check out Private Eye's 'Dumb Britain' for a chuckle. From the latest one:

Mastermind. 'Which London art gallery has the website npg.org.uk?' Contestant's answer 'The Louvre'.
The Chase. 'What word can mean a group of three, or a dangerous Chinese gang?' Contestant's answer 'Klu Klux Klan'.

Private Eye always cheers me up ...:D
 
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I'll always remember my first visit to Liverpool in its musical haydays of the early sixties.
And I'll never forget the Superhero I saw running down Mathew Street with his Union Jack cape flowing around him -
turned out it was just a bloke who hadn't paid for his haircut !
 
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The Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Environment Canada Weather Service, and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The satellites show that the Indians are collecting a shed load of firewood !'
 
Family Fortunes P2

Something that's nice to wear next to your skin: "Pants.."

A famous Dick: "Carrot.."

A wild animal that's native to Britain: "A bear.."

Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: "Feeds your pets.."

Something that comes in 7's: "Fingers.."

A vocalist known by only one name: "Michael Jackson.."

A yellow fruit: "Orange.."

An animal beginning with B: "Bullfrog.."

Something associated with Liverpool: "The Yellow Brick Road.."

A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme: "Little Red Riding Hood.."

Something associated with Queen Victoria: "Her husbands.."

Something you hide in your socks when you go swimming: "Your legs.."

A place you would keep a pen: "A zoo.."

Something you beat: "An apple.."

Something associated with rain: "Water.."

An animal that lives in the English countryside: "A lion.."

Something you make into a ball: "Eggs.."

A game that uses a black ball: "Darts.."

A popular TV soap: "Dove.."

Other than 'carrier', a type of bag: "Horse.."

Something you might find in a garage: "a grand piano.."

Something a Frenchman would say Answer: "On Garde.."

A fast animal: "A hippo.."

Something you keep in the garden: "A cat.."

Something that gives you goosebumps: "Mumps.."

A character from Little Red Riding Hood: "Hansel and Gretel.."
 
Norkie said:
Family Fortunes P2

Something that's nice to wear next to your skin: "Pants.."

A famous Dick: "Carrot.."

A wild animal that's native to Britain: "A bear.."

Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: "Feeds your pets.."

Something that comes in 7's: "Fingers.."

A vocalist known by only one name: "Michael Jackson.."

A yellow fruit: "Orange.."

An animal beginning with B: "Bullfrog.."

Something associated with Liverpool: "The Yellow Brick Road.."

A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme: "Little Red Riding Hood.."

Something associated with Queen Victoria: "Her husbands.."

Something you hide in your socks when you go swimming: "Your legs.."

A place you would keep a pen: "A zoo.."

Something you beat: "An apple.."

Something associated with rain: "Water.."

An animal that lives in the English countryside: "A lion.."

Something you make into a ball: "Eggs.."

A game that uses a black ball: "Darts.."

A popular TV soap: "Dove.."

Other than 'carrier', a type of bag: "Horse.."

Something you might find in a garage: "a grand piano.."

Something a Frenchman would say Answer: "On Garde.."

A fast animal: "A hippo.."

Something you keep in the garden: "A cat.."

Something that gives you goosebumps: "Mumps.."

A character from Little Red Riding Hood: "Hansel and Gretel.."
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Actually AFAIK a Hippo is considered fast........it is one reason that more people are killed by Hippo than big cats in Africa. I think I recall that the Hippos leave the water to graze on land and if disturbed by people will run at them = if caught will end up with a death :(

PS just looked it up.....they run at between 19-25mph......you will never outrun that behind you!
 
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Box Brownie said:
Actually AFAIK a Hippo is considered fast........it is one reason that more people are killed by Hippo than big cats in Africa. I think I recall that the Hippos leave the water to graze on land and if disturbed by people will run at them = if caught will end up with a death :(

PS just looked it up.....they run at between 19-25mph......you will never outrun that behind you!
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That's about it. They usually feed at night and it's dangerous to get between them and the water, which is their safe refuge. Apart from sheer bulk, they have huge mouths with big canines and incisors which sharpen themselves by friction as the animal opens and closes it. They're also known to attack boats, but that's probably because they sense them as a threat, or just out of aggression.

Cat attacks are fairly rare unless they turn man eater, which does happen, but we're not a natural prey species for them.
 
So this guy goes into a bar and orders 12 whiskies.
The bartender say's "Are you sure sir? 12?"
"Yes" says the man, saves me keep pestering you for drinks every ten minutes!"
This guy drinks these whiskies fairly swiftly, and at the 12th, he promptly passes out!
"Does anyone know this guy?" the bartender calls out.
"Oh I know him" says Tarquin, "I'll take him home safely"
Next evening, the same chap comes in again, and orders 12 whiskies.
"You sure mate" says the bartender. "You weren't to clever last night"
"Yeah, I'll be fine" says this guy.
12th whisky and crash, out he goes.
Tarquin does his good deed and carries him out of the bar.
Third night, same again. 12th whiskies and bosh, crumpled heap on the floor.
"Don't worry love" says Tarquin, "I'll sort you out" as he carries him out of the bar.

Next night, the guy comes in and the barman says "12 sir?"
"No" he says, "I'll have pint of lager"
"Oh" says the bartender, "can't handle whisky anymore eh?"

"No, not at all, it's just that whisky gives me a sore arse!"
 
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MartynK said:
Cat attacks are fairly rare unless they turn man eater, which does happen, but we're not a natural prey species for them.
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I wish someone would tell Tiddles at the golf club that! Sweet as pie unless you tickle the proffered tummy, at which point the trap is sprung...
 
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badlywornroy said:
The Devon and Cornwall music festival has been cancelled after a row about who was going on first, Cream or The Jam.
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I think there is an echo in this thread...................................................................................................................somewhere further back^^^^^^^^^?

PS but no harm in the telling, makes me smile especially as Josh Widdicombe on a Dave showing of an old "Mock the Week" said that as Devonian he likes it the Cornish way ~ cream on top!
 
Cream first! (Although I think all of the Jam are still alive...)
 
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Box Brownie said:
I think there is an echo in this thread...................................................................................................................somewhere further back^^^^^^^^^?

PS but no harm in the telling, makes me smile especially as Josh Widdicombe on a Dave showing of an old "Mock the Week" said that as Devonian he likes it the Cornish way ~ cream on top!
Click to expand...

I always search before I post but if the wording has changed I guess it will not be picked up ?
 
badlywornroy said:
I always search before I post but if the wording has changed I guess it will not be picked up ?
Click to expand...

Crumbs..................I have found only one post, I am darned sure I have seen it more recently, that was in 2019 :oops: :$o_O
 
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