The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

An angry wife called her husband on phone: “Where the hell are you?”
Husband: “Darling, you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, and I said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day’?”
Wife, with a smile and blushing: “Yeah I remember that my love!”
Husband: “Well, I’m in the pub just next to that shop.”
 
Three lads in the playground bragging about how fast their dads are.

"My dad is faster than a lion," says the first boy.

The second laughs and said, "Mine is faster than a cheetah".

The third is not impressed and says, "mine is faster, he works for the council."

The boys look confused until he explains, "He finishes work at 5pm but he's home by half past two."
 
A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on. Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.
“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.
“Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.
“And for your other two wishes?”
Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”
 
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. Running as fast as he could up the path, he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

Every time he looked, the bear was closer.

He tripped, fell to the ground, and rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh, my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came from the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others that I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you now expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, and replied: "It would be hypocritical of me to ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could You make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The brilliant light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen."
 
Petrochemist said:
I was sure I'd seen this advice recently, and yes it's in post 37,496.

Personally I find the risk of jam on my lenses to big to allows young kids anywhere near jam.
Click to expand...
Oops ! sorry, I usually check but not this time. Will delete.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top