The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

The woman at the Job Centre said, "You're always late, you ignore the queue of people and you are rude to everyone."
I said, "What's your point?"
She said, "Have you ever thought of becoming a bus driver?"
 
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Police in Yorkshire are becoming concerned about a new drug craze in the area, which involves addicts injecting liquid ecstasy into their mouths in order to get a faster hit from the drug.
This trend is known as “E by gum.”
 
I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,
Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.
 
A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every ten seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. His mother says, “Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while…”
Billy says, “I'm fine, Mommy…i just haven't gone 'doody' yet."
Mother says, “ Okay, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says, “ Works for ketchup."
 
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Top Gun III doesn't look particularity exciting.

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To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
 
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McDonald's has apologised and said it will remove its advert from a road in England (True)

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