The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

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Nod said:
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This actully happened to me, id broken my wrist in 18 places, went the hospital for them to sort out and on the way back to the caravan i was staying at and thought id have a couple of pints..id put on button fly jeans that morning, it was only when i went tbe toilet that i realised my mistake, i had to ask this totaly random fella to undo my buttons , when i finished i just pulled my tshirt over and hoped nobody noticed in case i needed to go again
 
Good job it was cold!!!
 
munch said:
Got it, as this is the funnies thread you posted it as a joke. Right?
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you believe what you want..maybe its a topic for another forum, dont get me wrong im no fan of the royals, but il believe what i do and it was nothing to do with the paparazi
 
munch said:
Got it, as this is the funnies thread you posted it as a joke. Right?
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Brendan Mulachy said:
you believe what you want..maybe its a topic for another forum, dont get me wrong im no fan of the royals, but il believe what i do and it was nothing to do with the paparazi
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Wrong thread gents. Leave us at least one safe haven.
 
A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to this address please?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house.
I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot.'

The lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand,
put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'That's a good idea,' he said and proceeded to walk the lady home.

On the way, he said, 'Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The lady looked him over cautiously and said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to protect me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.
How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
 
I purchased a chain saw to cut down a small tree.

I took it back to the dealers today.
" You told me I could cut down ten trees a day " I said, it took me all day to cut down one !
The dealer took a look, he pulled a chord. . . and brmmm brmmm brummmm !

" What's that noise I said " ?
 
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A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, ‘How was the honeymoon?’
‘Oh, mama,’ she replied, ‘the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic‘
Suddenly she burst out crying. ‘But, mama, as soon as we returned he started using the most horrible language… things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home…. Please mama!‘
Her mother said, ‘Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?’
Still sobbing, the bride said, ‘Oh, mama…words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK…!‘
 
A mate of mine who loves star gazing with his World class telescopic lens,

tells me that a new corner shop has just opened up on the south pole of the moon....
 
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