The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them to university.

"I'm paying for your tuition because I want to make sure you get a good education. You don't owe me anything for that. But I also want you to work hard, so I'm asking you now, to each put £1,000 into my coffin when I die."

His sons became a doctor, a pilot and a lawyer, each successful financially. When their father died and they saw him in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, the doctor stacked 10 crisp £100 notes onto the chest of the deceased.

Next, the pilot placed £1,000 there in 20 crisp £50 notes.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn. He slowly reached into his pocket, removed his chequebook, wrote a cheque for £3,000, put it into his father’s coffin, and took the £2,000 cash.
 
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Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, who is 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?

It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert ... You should'a bought a hat!”
 
It made me chuckle anyway ...

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I went to a pub yesterday evening and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code because I needed to check a message.
"Oh no" he said, "No wifi in here, people used to sit talking in pubs, about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot. Now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see. Therefore, no wifi in this pub."
"You know what?" I replied, "You're right" and I put my phone away.

"Thank you", the landlord said "In this pub I want you to act as you would twenty years ago".

So I lit a cigarette and gave him 50p for the pint.
 
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