The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Surely that's Sharon and Phyllis? ;)
 
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Are those the pussies that the senile orangeman grabs people by?
 
I'm in trouble with my next door neighbors. I went over to their house recently to jump on there tramperleen. I had just got on when I heard a voice say, "Hey you, get off my daughter Erleen!"
 
A man is telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4000, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really?" answers the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "12:30."
 
My wife and I are planning our 21st wedding anniversary celebration. Here lies the problem: she wants to go to Outback Steakhouse, I want sex, and my mother-in-law thinks we should renew our vows at church. Well, I'm all for compromise, so we should have sex outback of the church.
 
Two lads were working for the local county council. One lad would dig a hole and the other lad would follow him and fill the hole in.

They worked up along one street and then down the other. They then moved to the next street and did the same, working flat out all day without stopping.

One lad digging the holes. The other lad filling them in.

A passerby saw what they were doing and was amazed at the hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were at.

So, he shouted over to the lad digging the holes, ‘I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only for the other lad to fill it in?’

The lad wiped his brow and sighed deeply, ‘Well, I suppose it probably does looks a bit odd. You see, we’re normally a three-man team. But today the lad who plants the trees phoned in sick.'”


Dave
 
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."
 
Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
I met the King today. I said, "do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

He said, " no, that's fine, but I might not be able to give you a full answer."

So I asked, "do you like football?"

"No, not really" he replied.

"Can I have your cup final tickets?"

( Apologies and acknowledgement to Tommy Cooper.)
 
(Generally) better than the alternative!
 
Nigel Farage walks into a pub and says, I’ll have a pint of beer please. The barman pours a pint, then throws it all over Farage.

“What did you do that for?” says Farage, drenched to the skin.

“Because you’re in a metaphor which illustrates the stupidity of asking for something but not stipulating how you wanted it delivered!”

“But I’m still thirsty, so I want a pint - this time in a glass!” says Farage.

“You can’t ask again!” said the barman.

“Why not?” raged Farage.

“Democracy.” says the barman.
 
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