The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.
Utkarsh: "What are you doing these days?"
Sparsh: "PHD."
Utkarsh: "Wow! You're a doctor!"
Sparsh: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."
 
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.'
 
I got a chap in to do a few jobs around the house. Bit of carpentry, paint a ceiling, that sort of thing.
I gave him a list of 6 jobs that needed doing.
He presented me with the bill but, when I checked, he had only done items 1, 3 and 5 on the list.

When I confronted him about this he said, "well of course, I'm an odd job man."
 
My memory is getting so bad, I asked the pharmacist, “Do you have any Acetylsalicylic acid?”
“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.
“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”
 
An 85 year-old lady is waiting for her husband at the bar in Harpoon Harry's.

Suddenly, a very handsome man enters and sits down a few seats away. The man is so attractive she cannot keep her eyes off him. After a short time, the man notices her staring and approaches her. Before the lady has time to apologize, the man looks deep into her eyes and says in a sultry tone, "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams. It doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I will do it. For this, I want £50 cash. And, there's another condition."

Completely stunned by this turn of events, the lady asks him what the condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The lady takes a moment to consider the offer from the handsome man. She reaches into her handbag and puts £50 in his hand. She then smiles, looks him square in the eyes, and slowly, but clearly says, "Paint my house."
 
On a pavement in Matala.home.jpg
 
A word you hear a LOT between male friends - among other things, it equates (approximately!) to "mate". Rhymes nicely with "vlaka" (stupid).
 
This crazy guy walks into a restaurant and tells the waiter, “Lemme get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove. Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove. And while you’re at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove.” The waiter took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man, “The cook said you can kiss his a**, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.
 
3e043715f238bcf919451a92ac0fdca05397ba1b.jpeg
 
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