The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

The World Ruler Twanging championship inaugural competition is due to be held next year, somewhere in the Dordogne.
 
Monday :: exploding pagers
Tuesday ::: exploding walkie talkies
Wendesday::: please don’t feed the carrier pigeons
Update
Thurs :: oops your solar panels just gone bang LOL
 
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Sombreros only at mine! (Although, when it comes to it, I really won't give a flying fornication!)
 
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Yup, today is Talk Like A Pirate day...
 
I for one was not bothered about footage showing Angela Rayner dancing on a set at an Ibizan rave.

Makes a nice change from pensioners' graves.
 
The other night, I was invited out for a night with the lads. I promised my wife I’d be home by midnight. As the night went on, the beers were going down way too easily, and before I knew it, it was 3 a.m. Loaded, I finally made my way home.

As I walked in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Panicking, knowing my wife might wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times to make it sound like 12. Genius, right? Even drunk, I thought I’d brilliantly escaped a conflict!

The next morning, my wife asked what time I got in. “Midnight!” I said, feeling pretty confident. She didn’t seem angry at all. Victory!

Then she said, “By the way, we need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked why, she explained, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh s***,’ cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed three more times, belched, cuckooed twice, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted
 
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86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?'
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't p*ss out of it"
 
Breaking news from cnn
Reports are coming in from Beirut that members of hezbollala are being forced to have sex with women after it’s confirmed mossad have rigged goats to explode during sex
 
And a Welshman's posting that?
 
Brazo said:
Near Gloucester?
Click to expand...
Yes,it is. We often go there because the quality of the meat is excellent and all their produce is tops, albeit a bit expensive.We bought two sirloin steaks £17. Tasted lovely,though..Lol

We called in, on the way home, after we'd been to Churcham ..just a couple of miles further on, on the Ross road to photograph the 'Braunton' steam loco which I posted in Transport (let's see yer trains... etc )
 
JohnC6 said:
Yes,it is. We often go there because the quality of the meat is excellent and all their produce is tops, albeit a bit expensive.We bought two sirloin steaks £17. Tasted lovely,though..Lol

We called in, on the way home, after we'd been to Churcham ..just a couple of miles further on, on the Ross road to photograph the 'Braunton' steam loco which I posted in Transport (let's see yer trains... etc )
Click to expand...
Yes full address is Over Farm, Over

Try saying that on a walkie talkie, over…
 
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