A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell…
He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.
“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”
“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”
“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you got here?”
The man sighed, “I was eating a delicious burrito when I choked. No one was with me and I suffocated.”
“Killed by a burrito!” The Devil roared, flipping his desk, “What an unjust way to go. Did you at least go out eating a super sized one?!”
“No, just a regular size.” The man replied sadly, hanging his head in shame.
“This is even worse!” The Devil cried.
“What can you do about it?” The man replied sadly.
The Devil thought for a moment, before stating, “I will send you back. I’m not having you end your life on a sacred Mexican dish. Go back to Earth and continue your delightful life! Eat more Mexican until the toilet bowl quivers at your approach.”
With a clap of his hands the Devil sent the man back to Earth.
After a few minutes another person appeared, this time a woman. She looked at the Devil and sighed.
“Damn,” she said.
“What happened my dear?” The Devil replied, offering her a glass of sparkling water.
“I was trying to be environmentally conscious with a metal straw instead of plastic.”
“Good for you!” The Devil nodded, “We have just recently pledged to go 100% renewable in Hell. Slave labour is an underrated renewable asset you know.”
The woman gave a reluctant nod in agreement.
“Sorry to interrupt,” the Devil said, “continue please”
“Well,” the woman said, “I was walking with my drink when I slipped. I fell forwards and the metal straw landed up and skewered me straight through my eyeball and brain.”
The Devil promptly threw up.
“My golly goodness,” the Devil groaned, wiping vomit off his chest, “this is a travesty. Helping the planet and you get turned into a human kebab.”
The Devil stroked his horns, thinking.
“I’m feeling good today,” he said, “You my dear can go back to your life!”
The woman cheered in joy, showering the Devil with praise.
“Oh stop it you,” the Devil said cheekily, “just promise you’ll stick to plastic straws. Screw the turtles and save your eyes.”
He clapped his hands and the woman disappeared in a puff of smoke.
A few minutes passed before a third person appeared.
He was different from the others. It was his eyes, they were lifeless, as if all the soul had been sucked from them.
“Hello my friend,” the Devil said cheerfully, offering him some bread sticks.
The man stood gloomily, accepting the food.
“How did you get here?” The Devil asked, eager for some conversation.
“I was at my computer working,” the man said, “I’d been working for endless hours doing a thankless job. I stood up and tripped over a power cord. I must have fallen badly and broken my neck because here I am.”
The Devil threw his hands in the air, “This will not do! You were simply pouring your heart and soul doing your job and died in the process.”
The man shrugged.
The Devil summoned a cup of tea from one of his minions to calm his emotions.
The Devil smiled, sipping his tea, “My friend, I am feeling generous today. I am going to send you back to your life! What do you say to that!”
The man looked around at the swirling pools of lava behind the Devil. The sound of wailing souls echoed around abyss.
“I think I’ll stay in Hell,” the man replied.
The Devil spat out his tea.
“I’m sorry what?” The Devil, wiping his mouth.
“I’d like to stay,” the man repeated.
The Devil was still dumbfounded, before he finally managed to recompose himself.
“Fine mortal, continue down the path to get your orientation pack from the information kiosk. Be up early tomorrow for lava swimming at 7am and then at lunch we’re streaming the final season of Game of Thrones.”
The man nodded and went to walk past the Devil.
“I’m sorry, I have to know,” the Devil said, holding up his hand, “What ridiculous job did you have that makes you want to stay here?”
The man looked up at the Devil, his eyes empty and replied,
“I was a TalkPhotography moderator”
