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The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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I actually quite like Hawaiian style pizza, while not nearly as nice as BBQ chicken, meat feast, 4 cheese... it's lightyears better than the ones my Wife orders for herself (spinach & ricotta etc).
You've just put me in the mood for some BBQ chicken pizza now, I can live without ever experiencing the delights of spinach and ricotta though.
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Nor me, so here is a picture of my dinner from 1982.
ancient_mariner
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Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
Nod
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ancient_mariner
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ancient_mariner
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No self respecting Bachelor would left the beer stock get that low!
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Proper Oktoberfestbier comes only from Munich...
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The 6 major breweries in the city do start brewing in July ready for Wies'n
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Oh, if only that wasn't true.
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FWIW that came from a US site - even private health care has the same issues.
Indeed,.both sets of parents have found themselves unable to access repeat prescriptions etc as they suddenly found that without notice they need apps they cannot operate for patient access (two don't own smartphones, and the other 2 cannot work out how to use it).
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It always makes me chuckle when people over analyse jokes
I posted a joke about 'christians against satellites' on another site (they hit prayers, causing them to be misdirected and lost) and that offended someone who's not a Christian, causing a discussion.
Marc
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Some of the Joke pages on FB are hilarious for all the wrong reasons.
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OK, since we are into religious jokes:
A man goes to heaven and St Peter meets him at the Gates to take him on a tour of the place.
"Walk with me" says St Peter and points to a large house, "You will be living here is this massive mansion with a pool and tennis court. Down this road, you will find bars and nightclubs everything you want for entertainment."
They continue walking.
"In this area, you will find all you need to fulfil your carnal desires"
And onward.
"You have a choice of restaurants and you will be able to meet many more people for social activities, chat and more.
They walk on and shortly find themselves near a very high wall that runs on for some considerable distance.
"The only criterium we have is that you keep your voice down when walking near this wall."
"What's so special about this wall?" asks the man, so far very impressed with heaven.
"Well," says St Peter, "The catholics live on the other side and they think they've got the place to themselves."
Further to insulting religions:
Islamic fundamentalist man goes to heaven after martyrdom and God shows him his promised 72 virgins. The man is shocked and disappointed. "Well," says God, "No one said they had to be female."
Jewish
The rabbi was angry about the amount of money his congregants were giving to charity. He prayed that the rich should give more charity to the poor.
“And has your prayer been answered?” asked his wife.
“Half of it was,” replied the rabbi. “The poor are willing to accept the money.”
And for atheists:
The key to successful prayer is to ask for something that would have happened anyway.
A couple of Buddist jokes:
Why did the Buddhist monk refuse Novocain during his root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired? Because he always recorded the cause of death as “birth”.
Evangelist joke:
A Televangelist, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said: "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. The Rabbi replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that this is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the Televangelist to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
And finally, a completely non-religios joke:
A man's car breaks down in the evening, just as the sun is going down. He gets out to have a look at the engine but can't see what is wrong, He is in the middle of nowhere and is wondering what to do. Suddenly a voice says "One of your spark plug leads has come off."
The man is startled as there is no one there, only a horse muching grass behind a low gate.
Thinking he is hearing things, he continues to look forlornly at the engine.
The voice once more says "One of your spark plugs leads has come off, that black wire hanging down there."
The man looks carefully at the engine and sure enough, there is a wire hanging down. He picks it up and pushes it back on the only place it fits. He looks around for the helpful person but sees only a horse, muching grass by a low gate.
The man makes it the local village and recounts his tale to the landlord of a country pub he finds. The landlord says, "Ah, was there a black horse nearby, peering over the gate and munchig grass? The man, astounded, replies that indeed there was. "Ah," says the landlord sagely, "you were lucky, the white one knows nothing about cars."
A man goes to heaven and St Peter meets him at the Gates to take him on a tour of the place.
"Walk with me" says St Peter and points to a large house, "You will be living here is this massive mansion with a pool and tennis court. Down this road, you will find bars and nightclubs everything you want for entertainment."
They continue walking.
"In this area, you will find all you need to fulfil your carnal desires"
And onward.
"You have a choice of restaurants and you will be able to meet many more people for social activities, chat and more.
They walk on and shortly find themselves near a very high wall that runs on for some considerable distance.
"The only criterium we have is that you keep your voice down when walking near this wall."
"What's so special about this wall?" asks the man, so far very impressed with heaven.
"Well," says St Peter, "The catholics live on the other side and they think they've got the place to themselves."
Further to insulting religions:
Islamic fundamentalist man goes to heaven after martyrdom and God shows him his promised 72 virgins. The man is shocked and disappointed. "Well," says God, "No one said they had to be female."
Jewish
The rabbi was angry about the amount of money his congregants were giving to charity. He prayed that the rich should give more charity to the poor.
“And has your prayer been answered?” asked his wife.
“Half of it was,” replied the rabbi. “The poor are willing to accept the money.”
And for atheists:
The key to successful prayer is to ask for something that would have happened anyway.
A couple of Buddist jokes:
Why did the Buddhist monk refuse Novocain during his root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired? Because he always recorded the cause of death as “birth”.
Evangelist joke:
A Televangelist, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said: "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. The Rabbi replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that this is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the Televangelist to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
And finally, a completely non-religios joke:
A man's car breaks down in the evening, just as the sun is going down. He gets out to have a look at the engine but can't see what is wrong, He is in the middle of nowhere and is wondering what to do. Suddenly a voice says "One of your spark plug leads has come off."
The man is startled as there is no one there, only a horse muching grass behind a low gate.
Thinking he is hearing things, he continues to look forlornly at the engine.
The voice once more says "One of your spark plugs leads has come off, that black wire hanging down there."
The man looks carefully at the engine and sure enough, there is a wire hanging down. He picks it up and pushes it back on the only place it fits. He looks around for the helpful person but sees only a horse, muching grass by a low gate.
The man makes it the local village and recounts his tale to the landlord of a country pub he finds. The landlord says, "Ah, was there a black horse nearby, peering over the gate and munchig grass? The man, astounded, replies that indeed there was. "Ah," says the landlord sagely, "you were lucky, the white one knows nothing about cars."
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A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are sharing a first class compartment on a Pullman train. The priest decides to have some fun at the Rabbi's expense and asks him "when I may serve you some pork?" The Rabbi replies "at your grace's wedding"
