The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )

A blonde decides she need a career change, so decided to become a painter and decorator.


The first house she stop at, she knocks on the door and a man answers, she explains what she is doing and he askes her for a quote to paint the porch white.


She goes off to have a look and comes back to the man and says it will be £150, he is delighted and asks her to do it.


A few hours later she is back and says to the man, that she has done it, even had time for two coats. He is impressed and pays her the agreed money.


As she walks off, she says over her shoulder, by the way its a Ferrari not a Porsche !!!
 
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Keir Starmer is out jogging and accidently falls into a river. Three young lads saw the accident and without a second thought jump in and drag out the scared and soaking Starmer.
"Lads, you've saved my life and you all deserve a reward. You name it and I'll give it to you", said Starmer.
First lad says, "I'd like a holiday to Disneyland". Starmer says, "certainly."
Second lad says, "I'd like the latest Xbox and a new TV." Starmer says, "no problem."
Third lad says, "I'd like a wheelchair with built in Wi-Fi and stereo attached to it."
Starmer says, "HEY....but you're not handicapped." The lad replies, "not yet but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."
 
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
 
The transcript of the recent Cobra meeting, following the Rotherham and other riots, has been released.

1st Cobra (Keir Cobra) Hiss ,hiss, hiss, hiiiisss.
2nd Cobra (Angela Cobra) Hiss, hiss, hiss, hissy fit.

3rd Cobra (PC ”Two Tier” Cobra) Hiss-off, Ange.

4th Cobra (Notverywhitty Cobra) zzzzzzzzz
 
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